In the Gospels, Jesus is pretty rough when it comes to divorce. This makes it very easy for a divorced person to feel like an outcast -- outcast even from Jesus.
Jesus argued His point when the Pharisees brought up the law of Moses concerning divorce (see Matt. 5:31-32, Matt. 19:8-9, Mark 10:11-12, Luke 16:18). Jesus' stand against divorce has not changed. It's no wonder so many divorced people leave the church feeling condemned and unforgivable, especially by Jesus.
I felt this way. But I don't anymore. In reflection, I asked myself why. Why don't I feel this way anymore? What changed?
Jesus didn't change His perspective on divorce. What changed was me and my perspective of myself: accepting responsibility, asking for forgiveness, and most important of all, believing that I am forgiven by Jesus.
As a divorced person, I cannot enter into a conjugal relationship with a man. That's one of the consequences of my sin, even though it's been forgiven. It's part of accepting my responsibility as being a partner in a union that has now been divided.
It was not easy reaching this place. I had to let go of, first off, a dream. I had to admit my faults and failures in the marriage and stop putting all the blame on my spouse.
Much of this healing took place while I answered what seemed like extremely personal questions on my annulment papers. When I wrote the answers and then read them back to myself, I saw that part of my life in a new light. I grieved the loss of a marriage that I'd entered with full determination to make it work. I realized that at that time I was not capable of making such a commitment. Being that I was a child of divorced parents, I had no role model to follow. I'd seen my parents split when things got unbearable, so how could I know what to do when things became unbearable in my marriage?
Even though, in my mind, divorce was not an option, it became an option when there were no examples of how to deal with people who become difficult to love. Face it, even people in good marriages find it difficult to love each other at times. What is the difference? Without any rope handed to me from a couple who survived such marriage crises, there was nothing left to hang onto.
The rope is hope.
There are no classes to teach us how to love the unlovable. Society makes it too easy to dump our troubles. What "society" forgets to tell us is that when you dump one set of troubles, you must pick up another set.
Jesus said that to be His follower, we must pick up our cross and follow Him. Marriage is a cross we must bear, when we are called to marriage. Many marriages break up because the partners were not called to marriage. I felt in the beginning of my marriage that my husband should have been a priest. When I jokingly said that to him one day, his respond surprised me. He said he had felt called to the priesthood most of his young life!
Since I felt I was meant to be married, I meant my wedding vows and I still mean them today, even though we are not together. My divorce got me out of harms way. It was not God's will for me nor anyone else to be in an abusive marriage, be it physical or mental.
I do still love my ex-husband. I will until death do us part and into heaven. I was angry at him for a very long time, but through the healing process, which I obtained through the different communities and outlets of serving God, I am at peace being a devout divorced Catholic.
Can a divorced person be a devout Catholic?
Divorce throws people into such turmoil that one hardly has the time, desire, nor the wits about them to search for the truth on this issue. It's a life-changing tragedy that stirs extreme emotions within all the family members, but at this time more than ever, the family needs the Church. And yet, divorce is often the cause of people leaving the Church to find a more open, less complicated religion, or to leave all together God and the Church.
The reasons why people leave the Church after a divorce are as unique and numerous as the people who get a divorce. Here's a list of common misconceptions and the truth about divorce in the Catholic Church.
Misconception:
Many believe that once they leave the courtroom and their governing state has awarded them a Decree of Divorce, they have also divorced themselves from the Church. They think that they are either excommunicated or at least banned from receiving any and all Sacraments.
Truth:
So long as the divorced person does not remarry prior to getting a previous Church marriage annulled, and they do not engage in sexual activity (which outside of the marriage is the sin of adultery), and if they are free of any grave sins, they are permitted not only to attend Mass, but they may partake of all the Sacraments, excluding the Sacrament of Marriage and Holy Orders.
More Truth:
Even if the person remarries without an annulment, they can still attend Mass on a regular bases. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 1649-50 tell how the Catholic Christian can stay in good standing with the Church; it addresses this very question.
Misconception:
The people of God treat divorced people as failures and outcasts.
Truth:
With the divorce rate now at 55%, never do you find anyone whose life has not been touched in some way by divorce, within their own family, with a friend, or in their own marriages. Therefore, empathy and/or sympathy prevails among God's people. It's a very small minority of people who snub their noses towards someone who fell into the misfortune of divorce.
More Truth:
Many parishes have support groups for divorced, separated and widowed Catholics, to help them cope with all the issues that come up from being made single.
Misconception:
The Church may permit a divorced person to come to Mass and receive most of the Sacraments, but the priest and clergy prefer that they don't get involved in Church functions or hold any titles within the smaller communities and groups that are part of the Church at large.
Truth:
If all divorced people left the Church and stopped volunteering for the various committees, clubs and ministries, the Church would empty out. The clergy encourage divorced people to get more involved in the Church, and in doing so, more times than not, a spiritual healing begins to take place within the divorced person. Involvement in God's house -- doing God's work -- is a wonderful tool that allows Jesus to reach into the wounded person and let the healing begin. Doing God's work, which allows God to work through us, is a wonderful experience for anyone, but it's especially miraculous for the souls that have been ripped apart by divorce.
There are many misconceptions about the Catholic Church, which have caused people to leave the very community that can help them most. The Church community helps us cope with the adverse affects that divorce has on us and all the members of the family. Leaving the Church should be so far from our minds, that it shouldn't even be an option.
