Here come the vegetables of doom! And I am not referring to the red, orange, sometimes
green globs grown-ups call "food" that appear on a child's plate and just sit
there, the food that every child -- carefully, with churning stomach -- pushes away from
the good stuff, lest the vegetables contaminate the other food.
These globs are dangerous. If they can kill an appetite, maybe they can do away with
the "appetitee" too. After all, it sure seems like vegetables grow more gross as
they get colder.
Now, to bring every nightmarish dinner to life, comes the ultimate vegetable horror --
the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. No, I don't mean the 1970s cult film by that name. And
I don't mean the cartoon clone of the cult film that's now on cable television, the
cartoon that daily beefs up kids' fears of eating nutritious food. What I do mean,
unfortunately, is the series of toys that Mattel has decided parents will want to empty
out their wallets for. Toys that eat dolls. [Editor's update: this was written in
1991, and we can thank God that this never became a big fad. However, is Pokémon much
better?]
That's right, folks. Each toy "vegetable of doom" comes with a human being
doll to eat. Maybe I can turn this to my advantage. When my kids refuse to eat their red,
orange or green globs, I can yell, "Eat your vegetables or I'll make them eat
you!"
Can't toy companies come out with something that helps parents convince their kids to
eat better? Whatever happened to Popeye dolls with toy spinach?
This year's toys are new versions of last year's mutated messes. We can now spend our
money on a mutant nerd, Melvin Junko the Toxic Crusader who fights bad guy mutants such as
Polluto the Walking Oil Slick. If you think the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles look ugly,
you haven't gotten an eyeful of Melvin.
Is there a competition among toy makers to design the ugliest creations in the land of
make-believe? Or is it a secret plot by space aliens to paralyze a generation of
earthlings by filling kids' bedrooms with nightmares?
My son, David, recently asked me if he would be able to play with mutant turtle toys
when he goes to heaven.
When I think of heaven, I imagine myself playing with better-than-state-of-the-art
video cameras, compact disc players, remote-control televisions and food processors that
do everything from washing the food to cooking the meal to cleaning up the bowls and
utensils afterward.
Sure, I won't need these technological wonders, since cooking meals and
video-taping family vacations will be a moot point in heaven, but I sure would like to
play with all these things, seeing as I can't afford to here on earth. Heaven, I believe,
is paved with gold if you like gold. Or it's paved with toys if you like toys. Whatever
makes you happy. Heaven is God's kingdom, and like God, it has no limitations except the
line that's drawn against evil. Everything good will be there in abundance, for our
pleasure.
My favorite line from the Our Father prayer is "Thy kingdom come, Thy
will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Imagine all the good we could have in
abundance here on earth. If Jesus told us to ask for heaven on earth, why don't we?
By the way, I trust heaven has no soul-eating vegetables.
