Predictions are popular at the beginning of a new year, so I thought I'd make some of
my own. Some people may want to mark them on their calendars just in case, by mere freak
accident, one of these predictions comes true.
I promise these predictions are at least as entertaining as those available at your
local grocery store check-out line, because I've based them on absolutely no scientific
research. I was, however, in recent contact with intelligent plantlife from the Mohrhon
solar system.
Jan. 22 -- A reporter will discover that numerous politicians seek frequent advice from
their pet dogs, who happen to be writing books. One of the pups will write a best seller
and, because of his doggy's face, which cannot hide guilt, he will later be elected as
United States president.
Feb. 3 -- Bart Simpson will have a cow, which he then sells to the folks at South Park
in return for a few moldy lima beans, which he plants in a neighbor's yard. A giant bean
stalk sprouts. However, as he attempts to climb it, the neighbor slaps him with a lawsuit
stating that since the sprout is on his property, only he has the right to go fetch the
goose that lays the golden egg. Bart retaliates by pouting and refusing to make any more Simpsons
episodes, and a loud cheer reverberates across the land.
Feb. 27 -- Someone will celebrate a birthday (me).
March 19 -- A famous television star will reveal that she has been visited by tiny
space aliens who are dumping defective androids in Disney World. The reason, she will say,
is that the androids kept breaking out in a chorus of It's a Small World After All.
April 1 -- A famous psychic will reveal on national television that she has come up
with more new predictions, but will not reveal that most of her predictions never come
true. She will also claim that her special powers come from "God," and millions
of people will believe her, even though Deuteronomy 18:10-12 says that God forbids fortune
telling activities. Then she will predict that her new book about fortune telling will
become a best seller, which will come true as soon as the television viewers can get to
their nearest bookstore.
June 24 -- Someone will make a cazillion bucks selling her story to a tabloid about how
she gave birth to a litter of half-human, half-ferret babies, who were fathered by the
reincarnation of Julius Caesar's zoo-keeper, who was lost in the forest as a child and
raised by woodland creatures from another planet who kept singing It's a Small World
After All.
Sept. 6 -- Bart Simpson will sell his sister to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Eventually she will marry one of them and give birth to the world's ugliest children.
Dec. 25 -- Christmas will happen again. Even those who don't really know God will join
in the celebration of the birth of the Messiah, who came to Earth so we won't need
predictions about the future because he helps all those who trust him have the best
possible future. And churches will have Christmas pageants, reminding us that Jesus is the
Light who conquers darkness and offers us much more than psychic powers.
